Im clearly already or currently losing it...?

this isnt my first question on this topic but now im gonna reword it im 18 years old 6 foot 2 and 226 pounds (just to give you an idea how i look) and ive been called everything from dangerous to a genius... ive had many different identities throughout my life everything from... a fundamentalist Zionist militant to a peace loving hippie type... i used to be very into academics and Torah (old testament) study and the world...history, philosophy, poetry, literature...you name it but recently some of my inner feelings have emerged an undying hate of many things... i cringe when somebody speaks of love or says they love me...i do not shed a tear when somebody close dies... and i ceased all my learning and education i dont go to school anymore in fact starting in mid about 10th grade is where it all began... i dug myself into a deep well of depression that has not faltered since then... ive had many fits of rage ive harmed people... emotionally and physically... and the strangest part i maintain a smile throughout all i do...i smile at the worst times as well which has degraded my life socially...i currently find myself in a very deep social coma that has all my friends wondering what has happened to me i rarely sleep and i simply just ponder reality and what it is and what is my place in the world if i do indeed have such a place... its a very pathetic existence...i don't even maintain my hygiene anymore...i never leave my house... and i play video games many hours to escape reality... i have a therapist..and we talk about things but its been very slow...and im degrading fast...im slowly losing my sense of what is real and whats not... im so lonely i talk to my dog hoping she will talk back and she doesnt...which is in some ways a very good thing because it means i haven't reached that point yet of losing it... i try to believe god is with me still but its very hard... i now find myself fighting a battle with theism... i need answers but i cant seem to find them other than "you're depressed" any suggestions will be appreciated...